Valiant, Vulnerable & Scandalous

"A woman who is living out her true design will be valiant, vulnerable, and scandalous." - John Eldredge

I first came across this quote while it was scrawled across a picture frame that my friend, Laura, had in her apartment. The picture was of a group of girls (including miss Laura) clad in pink t-shirts and shorts or capris - all of them hamming it up in semi-provocative poses. It was adorable! I asked her where the quote was from and what the story was behind the picture. She told me that the quote was from John Eldredge's book, "Wild at Heart" - and the story behind the picture was that this group of girls would regularly play pranks on their guy friends - and part of their signature was to have "scandalous" written out in pink. When I returned home after my visit with Laura, I wrote the quote on my bathroom mirror in red dry erase marker. Valiant, vulnerable, scandalous...which one of those words sticks out to you? Which one kind of scares you?

The one that still scares me is vulnerable. I love authenticity and transparency, and I desperately want to be like that but it requires so much vulnerability. One baby step at a time, I feel like I'm making some headway in this arena, but I have a LONG way left to go. I struggle the most with being vocally vulnerable. I don't mind opening as much when I'm writing in a blog like this or in an e-mail because well for one thing - it's not as though I have a massive blog audience...and I can eloquently craft and massage my written vulnerability, whereas in conversation you're kind of on the spot, and I often get anxious and my thoughts get all jumbled in my head and a lot of times it takes me while to mull things over before I know what I think about a topic and by then the discussion has usually moved on. And sometimes people just look at me and want me to talk - and I don't know what to talk about - I'm not some performance monkey that has magical conversation that will flow out of me if you look at me long enough...what do you want me to talk about? And I guess that's part of it to, is that a lot of times I don't talk because I don't know what the other person wants me to say. But why do I care so much if I say whatever it is that I think they want me to say? I feel like I have very strong values, standards, opinions - and yet I get caught up in worrying about what is it that they want me to say. How ridiculous is that? Umm, pretty darn...which then begins the downward cycle of getting frustrated with myself in that and the self-condemnation...and it's just ugly and silly. But please bear with me, I am trying to break free of this - your patience is much appreciated!

And scandalous - well that just sounds fun! And for me it relates back to my last blog and that whole trying new things and not worrying about failure. To be scandalous - shocking...hmmm, I may need some suggestions in this area. I'm usually pretty laid back and conservative. And how does one become scandalous and still stay within the bounds of godliness?

Then there is valiant, which I seem to equate more with strength - although it also connotes bravery and courage. Bravery and courage are things I don't always feel in possession of - especially since for me those are part of what I need to help me become more vulnerable - ugh. Strength, however, is something that I would claim to have plenty of - what with being a strong, capable, single woman who's got to push through and do it all on her own. Of course, this is also my downfall. All of this "strength" has turned into a nasty, hard, icy shell that is melting and even being lovingly chipped away by others to allow for more freedom to be vulnerable.

And that's really what I need to remember about vulnerability - there's freedom in vulnerability and transparency. No longer hiding part of myself away just because I don't think it's all that interesting or that I don't think others will find it all that interesting. And don't ask me what "it" is because I don't know. I don't know exactly what part(s) of me I'm hiding away, but I know that I do it - that I clam up a LOT in social situations.

So there you have it, that's me in relation to this quote...how does it speak to you?