Boundaries

Setting boundaries...ugh, what a painful but necessary process. A friend of mine, her husband, is having to go through this very NOT fun process with his parents. And unfortunately, it's a process that I'm not sure really ever has an end - especially when your parents don't ever intend to change. With setting boundaries comes confronting the lies that have been ingrained in your consciousness and subconsciousness for years and years...overcoming those lies and discovering who you truly are in Christ and how He sees you is freeing and draining all at the same time. It requires this crazy paradox of work and rest. Work because you are constantly having to fight against those instinctual responses to your parents and situations in life...And resting in the knowledge and love and acceptance and forgiveness and freedom that comes with being alive and enjoyed by God our ultimate Father in a way that you never experienced with your biological parents. Someone from my home group explained it in a way that I think describes this transition best - it is more than just making a decision to break the familial/generational dysfunctional cycle (although that is definitely a component) but there just comes a point where you break free from the "parenting" (control and manipulation and lies) of your biological parents and rely upon the parenting (guidance and love) of God. For those who grew up in relatively healthy homes where they were cherished, disciplined in love, respected...it seems as though their picture of God as Father isn't all that distorted. However, growing up in a home where performance is key yet also never quite good enough to receive that dearly hoped for desire of being cherished and enjoyed by your parents - well this can leave a person with a distorted view of imagining God as Father. This is where both the work and rest come into play. Working at changing my distorted views of God that aren't true to His nature and love, reminding myself of His Word and promises, but also resting in that same love - crawling up into His lap and open arms, resting in the comfort of the Daddy who enjoys and delights in me the way I'd always dreamed of experiencing with my own parents.

Boundaries are a necessary struggle and in the end ABSOLUTELY worth it. It hurts to set them and feels like you are limiting or damaging your relationship with your parents - not respecting them, honoring them, or loving them as a dutiful child should. However, it is exactly the opposite. By setting those boundaries, I have been freed up to love and enjoy my mom, to accept her for where she is at and for her own struggles. At the same time, her skewed opinions of me (tinted by her own hurts and past) have less and less hold on defining me as I grow in intimacy with my Father and am encouraged by an amazing community of believers (both near and far).