Letting go

I was looking back through some of my old blog posts trying to get inspired to write something and ended up reading my Singleness post.  It was good to remind myself of the standards that I hold to regarding my singleness.  Lately, I've been experiencing a bit of grieving regarding my hopes and desires for the future.  When I wrote that post, I was 28 and in the midst of an adventure that moved me out of state and encountering all sorts of new people, and the possibilities seemed to stretch out before me.  And while the possibilities that lie before me are still as endless as they used to be, there is a timer ticking in the background reminding me that not ALL of the possibilities will be around forever.  I'm inching closer to 32 and recognizing that the time available to me to bear children is creeping closed more and more with each day, month, and year that passes.  Now granted, there are people having children well into their 40s with the help of fertility drugs, and logically I can acknowledge the truth that the Lord's timing and power outrank our minute human minds and bodies and can accomplish far beyond anything we imagine or dream, just look at Sarah (in Genesis) or Elizabeth (in Matthew).  Yet, the doubting Thomas side of me also notices with each passing year that the window of opportunity narrows in which I will be blessed with a spouse while still of age to have children.  Thus, leading to the occasional moments of grieving - letting go of the hopes, dreams, and plans of my own imaginings and trying to re-fix my eyes on my ultimate Lover.  It's not easy, and at times hard to watch those around me enjoying, celebrating, and even struggling through stages of life that I might never encounter - which drive me all that much more into the arms of the only One who can comfort me. 

Now don't get me wrong, I also know that much joy can come from adoption - and I fervently look forward to the possibility of adopting as well.  My dreams of a future family include both biological and adopted children.  I recognize that the possibility of a raising children is not altogether closed to me, but that doesn't necessarily assuage the ache of longing to experience the wonders and struggles of pregnancy in the midst of a Christ-centered marriage.  And I also recognize that even if I were married, the ability to bear children is not a given - as I know of many friends who struggle with infertility, too.

In truth, I began this post back in May - and after reading a friend's Facebook status yesterday - felt it applies to how I must re-frame my outlook going forward: "Sometimes you must let go of past dreams in order to recognize today's blessings."  How true!  I am blessed in so many ways - especially with an abundance of encouraging, Truth-loving friends and family.  So when those nagging feelings of grief and depression about fading past dreams try to overtake my thoughts, I shall lean into Him even more and remind myself of today's blessings!